Spires of Trust

A note to Coyote Marie:

I’ve been processing some thoughts & feelings.

It started with thinking about my cyberfriend, Starlee Meeko. She is the dreamer behind all those blogs about romance, rolling out a carpet to our dream-love. She is a gentle soul – hers was the Little Buddha Girl dream.

In our correspondence she has told me of how she’s struggled mightily with Christian issues and culture; which I did as well when I was male, in the same way as her. Rabid indignation – for me the indignation was self-annihilating, emasculating, benumbing. I don’t think it is quite so bad for her; but she did refer to fundamentalists as “parasites on the Body of Christ.”

Starlee lives in West Virginia; and wrote of feeling like driving. So I thought, “What if I invited her up here for a visit before I go to California?” Then I thought, no, I am amidst a process and a dance with a partner right now. I don’t want to invite anyone in except you.

I don’t want to be emotionally dependent on you. And I want to give you my heart purely. I think that is key to polyamory for me. Polyamory for me is being way more self-aware and honest than I can be as a monogamist. I’m sure some people would feel crazy as polyamorists – those from whom polyamory requires more dignity and self-awareness than is at their command.

In the future, if there should be a time to dance away from each other, we will never be distant. The purest love knows no distance. The purest love knows all.

I wanted to share you this to edify our trust – or really it is adding a spire of trust to the top of our church - so that we can feel whatever the dance will have us feel.

I feel energy from the collective drawing a little closer day by day, it seems. A dream last night had that feeling, like too much happening at once.

And I have been trying to ease into becoming more external – you know, in my body, in the world. Not instinctually afraid and withdrawn.

I think I was afraid and withdrawn even when my male self was a teacher; he just hid his pain and fear from himself more, was less self-aware – as a reflection of society’s lack of self-awareness. Every infant is too tender for the world as it is. That could change though.

I was also processing some feelings about my brother; my anger that he never made the effort to appreciate me, and now he’s had an awakening like mine, and admitted his hypocrisy to me. I was able to let myself feel my anger over that, and it didn’t annihilate me. After I expressed it (just by a gesture and a whisper, “I’m gonna fucking kill you,” meaning my reality is going to existentially rape yours like mine was raped you smug arrogant bastards) and then I felt as mild and peaceful as a comforted babe.

The rage did not possess me because just before I had been dancing in depths of love.

Getting the anger out, I felt purged and more powerful; like there is a reservoir of untapped power within me; particularly oral power.

For so long the anger has been boxed up, which is the reason for my clenched dream-jaw – which is why my sense was of oral power in particular.

Also, I recalled recent dentists telling me I have a small mouth (and big teeth). Nobody ever said that until a few years ago. I am thinking that from underuse my mouth got smaller; less able. I had a really positive dream about my speaking voice last night.

I wonder what we’ll dream tonight? We’ll see tomorrow. Nite-nite Sweets. xoxox, Amy

On Monday, Wednesday and Friday updates are posted to Amy George’s other blog Ask the Dream Queen, for which she interprets reader-submitted dreams.