The inset is Rose Mary and Tiny RMP as rendered in my journal.
An excerpt from Death Is the Beginning, the last book of my memoirs, Evolution of the Peacock:
“A Rose Mary at two years old became part of my daily psychodramas. I came to call her ‘Tiny RMP’ [Rose Mary Pillowwater]. When she first emerged, she saw herself, two years old, in 1970, but was seeing the New Kingdom as it was for her future self as a character in the Kingdom, nearly blind with the wild joys of spring, dancing down the sidewalk in a yellow party dress and black nylons, the Queen of Heaven. Tiny RMP was frightened. She had enough understanding of the world to feel terror that her destiny was to be the Queen of Heaven. Instead of facing it, she plunged into future realms I had never seen. Her mind floated through time like a feather in the air. I periodically lost myself in her visions for several days.
“The vision that pulled most strongly felt as though it was in a distant future, but, in hindsight - noting that it was never dark or light in the vision, but always the same hue of twilight - I was reminded of visions of Georgie’s experience of Heaven before he was born. In the vision, Rose Mary was a woman, ghostly pale and so sharply perfect that her presence seemed to cut me. She wore a baseball jersey with two cardinals on it. The cardinal was a totem to her. For a while I was so lost in that world, I didn’t know where I was. It was scary. I realized it was because Tiny RMP traveled through time at will, in her mind, because that’s what two-year-old minds can do, so they do.
“In my journal I wrote:
“‘[Compared to my other selves,] THE QUESTION OF CONTINUITY IS HARDEST FOR TINY RMP…BUT SHE IS BEGINNING TO FIND THAT WHEN SHE GETS OUT OF THE HEAD & DOWN INTO THE BODY, CONTINUITY MAKES MORE SENSE, MORE FEELING-SENSE.
“‘SHE WAS SUPER KOOKED-OUT TODAY. I FELT A BABY BODY SPINNING IN MY HEAD FOR A LONG TIME TODAY BEFORE SHE MOVED DOWN [INTO THE BODY] TO EXPLORE. I HAVE HAD WONDERFUL IMAGES OF THE WOMAN I AM, TODAY.’
“Once I helped Tiny RMP to be more disciplined about staying in the moment, I wrote in my journal:
“George the boy/man battles the world. Rose Mary the woman nurtures the inner-world. They are waiting for Tiny RMP to work out her ‘fusion.’ [The handwriting in my journal changed back and forth from caps to regular because it was shifting from George’s to Rose Mary’s. Rose Mary wrote in caps, George in regular font.]
“‘I AM A LITTLE GIRL EMERGING FROM A WORLD OF CONFUSION. I AM A RABBIT PEEPING OUT FROM A TOPHAT.’
“It was a world of confusion because it had been thirty years since she was aware she existed. Her identity was sublimated into the one my boy self took on and was terminally eclipsed by George’s. My sense of time and space was going through all kinds of strange warps as we linked up.
“From my journal:
“‘This morning we [Rose Mary the woman and Tiny RMP] were putting the clothes & green blanket into the clotheswasher and Tiny RMP was ‘fraiding that they never would come out. I reassured her that they would. She said, “I like closed places. They make me safe.” I had a cry & remembered when I used to get into the dirty clothes hamper when I was tiny. I felt safe there, in darkness, confinement, and damp, dirty clothes.
“‘Also, Tiny RMP has the disorienting habit of thinking she remembers seeing the future, which makes time feel like a cage & renders all beauty & creation as meaningless & freedomless. But she has to come to terms with the fact that in her royal tinyness she did some traveling through time and [this has formed] a kind of cage of safety to think each future moment is known. We are trying to learn to feel that Mother Earth is a good & safe home.’
“Tiny RMP’s mind was like a doorway to eternity. Once reconstituted it would function as the mind of her adult self, the Queen of Heaven.
“Concurrent to Tiny RMP’s inclusion into my identity were some final thoughts on George:
“‘GEORGE, THE MAN OF THE WORLD IS IN A PLACE OF MUCH DEEPER PEACE….OCCASIONALLY HE HAS SOME VIOLENT FEELINGS & LAUGHS THE SOMEWHAT AGGRESSIVE LAUGH OF THE MAN WHO LAUGHS LAST. THOUGH HE WISHES HE WAS FORMING HIS HAND INTO A PEACE SIGN, THE MIDDLE FINGER IS RAISED MORE JUBILANTLY, RIGHTEOUSLY & ERECTLY THAN ANY ERECTION HE EVER HAD. HE IS AT PEACE WITH LEAVING MY BODY AS I DANCE HIM OUT.
“‘BUT, BABY BROTHER, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT: NOBODY IS GOING TO ENJOY THIS LAST LAUGH MORE THAN HIM. GEORGE WINS. I WILL BE DANCING UP ON STAGE IN A NEW DIMENSION THAT HE DELIVERED ME TO BY KICKING THE WORLD’S ASS.
“‘GEORGE REALLY WANTED TO DIE AND ALWAYS FELT LIKE AN OLD MAN, EVEN WHEN HE WAS 14. THEN, HE WAS ONLY 18 YEARS AWAY FROM DEATH. WHEN HE WAS 17 HE ASKED THE TAROT WHEN HE WOULD DIE. HE WAS TOLD ‘33’ AND HE WAS GLAD. HE TOLD HIS FRIENDS HE WANTED HIS BONES TO BE A MOBILE HANGING OVER THE CRIBS OF HIS GRANDCHILDREN. HE TOLD HIS FRIENDS HE WANTED HIS TOMBSTONE TO BE A SCULPTURE OF HIM SITTING CROSS-LEGGED IN A CHAIR, HAVING A CIGARETTE. HE WAS LEANING BACK, WEARING SUNGLASSES, PRETENDING TO BE SOME KIND OF RIDICULOUS KING (WHICH HE WAS) JUST LIKE THIS PICTURE WE SAW IN DESMOND MORRIS’ MANWATCHING THAT SHOWED A HAITIAN MAN STRIKING THIS POSTURE (with a Marlboro betwixt the fingers) WHEN POSSESSED BY A CERTAIN GOD. WE LOVED THINGS SUCH AS THAT.
“‘WHAT A BAD-ASS OF RIDICULOUSNESS GEORGE WAS. WHAT A STOOGE."
On Monday, Wednesday and Friday updates are posted to Amy George’s other blog Ask the Dream Queen, for which she interprets reader-submitted dreams.
“The vision that pulled most strongly felt as though it was in a distant future, but, in hindsight - noting that it was never dark or light in the vision, but always the same hue of twilight - I was reminded of visions of Georgie’s experience of Heaven before he was born. In the vision, Rose Mary was a woman, ghostly pale and so sharply perfect that her presence seemed to cut me. She wore a baseball jersey with two cardinals on it. The cardinal was a totem to her. For a while I was so lost in that world, I didn’t know where I was. It was scary. I realized it was because Tiny RMP traveled through time at will, in her mind, because that’s what two-year-old minds can do, so they do.
“In my journal I wrote:
“‘[Compared to my other selves,] THE QUESTION OF CONTINUITY IS HARDEST FOR TINY RMP…BUT SHE IS BEGINNING TO FIND THAT WHEN SHE GETS OUT OF THE HEAD & DOWN INTO THE BODY, CONTINUITY MAKES MORE SENSE, MORE FEELING-SENSE.
“‘SHE WAS SUPER KOOKED-OUT TODAY. I FELT A BABY BODY SPINNING IN MY HEAD FOR A LONG TIME TODAY BEFORE SHE MOVED DOWN [INTO THE BODY] TO EXPLORE. I HAVE HAD WONDERFUL IMAGES OF THE WOMAN I AM, TODAY.’
“Once I helped Tiny RMP to be more disciplined about staying in the moment, I wrote in my journal:
“George the boy/man battles the world. Rose Mary the woman nurtures the inner-world. They are waiting for Tiny RMP to work out her ‘fusion.’ [The handwriting in my journal changed back and forth from caps to regular because it was shifting from George’s to Rose Mary’s. Rose Mary wrote in caps, George in regular font.]
“‘I AM A LITTLE GIRL EMERGING FROM A WORLD OF CONFUSION. I AM A RABBIT PEEPING OUT FROM A TOPHAT.’
“It was a world of confusion because it had been thirty years since she was aware she existed. Her identity was sublimated into the one my boy self took on and was terminally eclipsed by George’s. My sense of time and space was going through all kinds of strange warps as we linked up.
“From my journal:
“‘This morning we [Rose Mary the woman and Tiny RMP] were putting the clothes & green blanket into the clotheswasher and Tiny RMP was ‘fraiding that they never would come out. I reassured her that they would. She said, “I like closed places. They make me safe.” I had a cry & remembered when I used to get into the dirty clothes hamper when I was tiny. I felt safe there, in darkness, confinement, and damp, dirty clothes.
“‘Also, Tiny RMP has the disorienting habit of thinking she remembers seeing the future, which makes time feel like a cage & renders all beauty & creation as meaningless & freedomless. But she has to come to terms with the fact that in her royal tinyness she did some traveling through time and [this has formed] a kind of cage of safety to think each future moment is known. We are trying to learn to feel that Mother Earth is a good & safe home.’
“Tiny RMP’s mind was like a doorway to eternity. Once reconstituted it would function as the mind of her adult self, the Queen of Heaven.
“Concurrent to Tiny RMP’s inclusion into my identity were some final thoughts on George:
“‘GEORGE, THE MAN OF THE WORLD IS IN A PLACE OF MUCH DEEPER PEACE….OCCASIONALLY HE HAS SOME VIOLENT FEELINGS & LAUGHS THE SOMEWHAT AGGRESSIVE LAUGH OF THE MAN WHO LAUGHS LAST. THOUGH HE WISHES HE WAS FORMING HIS HAND INTO A PEACE SIGN, THE MIDDLE FINGER IS RAISED MORE JUBILANTLY, RIGHTEOUSLY & ERECTLY THAN ANY ERECTION HE EVER HAD. HE IS AT PEACE WITH LEAVING MY BODY AS I DANCE HIM OUT.
“‘BUT, BABY BROTHER, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT: NOBODY IS GOING TO ENJOY THIS LAST LAUGH MORE THAN HIM. GEORGE WINS. I WILL BE DANCING UP ON STAGE IN A NEW DIMENSION THAT HE DELIVERED ME TO BY KICKING THE WORLD’S ASS.
“‘GEORGE REALLY WANTED TO DIE AND ALWAYS FELT LIKE AN OLD MAN, EVEN WHEN HE WAS 14. THEN, HE WAS ONLY 18 YEARS AWAY FROM DEATH. WHEN HE WAS 17 HE ASKED THE TAROT WHEN HE WOULD DIE. HE WAS TOLD ‘33’ AND HE WAS GLAD. HE TOLD HIS FRIENDS HE WANTED HIS BONES TO BE A MOBILE HANGING OVER THE CRIBS OF HIS GRANDCHILDREN. HE TOLD HIS FRIENDS HE WANTED HIS TOMBSTONE TO BE A SCULPTURE OF HIM SITTING CROSS-LEGGED IN A CHAIR, HAVING A CIGARETTE. HE WAS LEANING BACK, WEARING SUNGLASSES, PRETENDING TO BE SOME KIND OF RIDICULOUS KING (WHICH HE WAS) JUST LIKE THIS PICTURE WE SAW IN DESMOND MORRIS’ MANWATCHING THAT SHOWED A HAITIAN MAN STRIKING THIS POSTURE (with a Marlboro betwixt the fingers) WHEN POSSESSED BY A CERTAIN GOD. WE LOVED THINGS SUCH AS THAT.
“‘WHAT A BAD-ASS OF RIDICULOUSNESS GEORGE WAS. WHAT A STOOGE."
On Monday, Wednesday and Friday updates are posted to Amy George’s other blog Ask the Dream Queen, for which she interprets reader-submitted dreams.
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